heavy heart.

 i have never been this moody, depressed and short-tempered and snappy in my entire life. 

things take their way to where my anger goes, i feel as if nothing goes the right way, the thing is that i plan something and it entirely goes wrong, 

it’d not what you think it is, its very much different.

the thing is: that i have endured the pain and sorrow in hoping it will make everything fine and i will find happiness but things go wrong, i have always said that things will get better, at some point, but it never does, never. ever, maybe because i am complaining now so thats why i dont want to remember something good.

my heart reached it capacity, i cannot take any more of this. 

i wish i was stabbed in the heart maybe then the pain will go away. 

i used to feel an ache in my heart at some moments but now, my heart is aching constantly, i am suffocating. 

but i can’t unleash it, the problem had went over the limits, i may walk to get more plates or just listen to someone talking and still feel the sting in my heart. 

and at night, it is the worst… 

the moment i am alone in my bed, and everyone asleep, i can gradually let it all out, in little sobs that are silenced by my pillows. 

it starts when i feel completely alone, when the pain is being acknowledge, when it is the only thing that my conciouse mind is paying attention to. the only thing that cannot let me sleep.

a gulp form in my throat, and i know it is too late, my mouth pout involuntarily and i try to stop the tears, i dont know why, it becomes a normal reaction that i stop my tears from forming in the corner of my eye, due the fact that at some parts of the day i have this unwanted urge to let a few out. 

then it all pile up in my mind, the more i stop myself the more my head starts hurting, it will develop into an aching headache so i cry, for my sake.

i make no effort to wipe my them away, my tears, instead i bury my face in my pillow mainly to silent my sobs and the loud breathing. 

after that my heart feel a bit lighter, there is more space that can be filled up with happy things i hope. 

other nights, i read a small story or watch an mv, to let some of the pain away, so i can feel the lightness of my heart again, so i can empty all those unnecessary feelings. 

i take long breaths and smile, mostly because i head someone said its a cheap medicine, to smile that is.